48 Great P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

48 Great P.J. O’Rourke Quotes

by / Comments Off / 65 View / Dec 30, 2014

P.J. O’Rouke is a journalist, writer, and satirist from Toledo, Ohio. He is most known for his spot in the British Airway advertisments in the 90′s. He has also written over 20 books, the most recent being The Baby Boom: How It Got That Way.

“A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you’re getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.”

“A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”

“A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.”

“Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.”

as frightening as terrorism is, it’s the weapon of losers. The minute somebody sets off a suicide bomb, you can be sure that person doesn’t have ‘career prospects.’ And no matter how
horrendous a terrorist attack is, it’s still conducted by losers”

“Asia is the continent rhythm forgot. At best Asian music is off-brand American pop, like Sonny Bono in a karaoke bar. At worst Asian music sounds as if a truck full of wind chimes collided
with a stack of empty oil drums during a birdcall contest.”

“At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of
sniveling brats.”

“Bureaucrats want bigger bureaus. Special interests are interested in whatever’s special to them. These two groups bring great pressure to bear upon politicians who have another agenda yet:
to cater to the temporary whims and fads of the public and the press.”

“Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.”

“Earnestness is just stupidity sent to college.”

“Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.”

“Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

“Fishing … is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait.”

“Haitians weren’t screwed-up, but everything political, intellectual, and material around them is.”

“Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry.”

“Human problems are complex. If something isn’t complex it doesn’t qualify as problematic. Very simple bad things are not worth troubling ourselves about.”

“I can understand why mankind hasn’t given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners— two things that are usually frowned on during

“In fact, safety has no place anywhere. Everything that’s fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow
(an appalling animal to watch at the trotters.) And everything that isn’t fun is dangerous too. It is impossible to be alive and safe.”

“In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn’t matter.”

“Iran and Iraq have been at war for five years now. The traditional present for a fifth anniversary is wood. Here’s a gift suggestion: a big stick to beat some goddamned sense into their

“Mankind is supposed to have evolved in the treetops. But I have examined my sense of balance, the prehensility of my various appendages, and my attitude toward standing on anything higher
than, say, political principles, and I have concluded that, personally, I evolved in the backseat of a car.”

“Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.”

“One nice thing about the Third World, you don’t have to fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is
forty-five minutes.”

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s
remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

“Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.”

“Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.”

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee,
but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.”

“The Italians have had two thousand years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place.”

“The morning meal was served in traditional socialist fashion— very slowly, with the courses out of order so that the jelly arrived half an hour after the toast and the coffee didn’t come
until we’d called for the check. However, it was hard to be angry at a place that had ice cream, beer, and cigarettes on its breakfast menu.”

“The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”

“The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. Being a Republican, I’m backing Hillary Clinton. Because she could lose. The reason
is not that she’s a woman. The reason is that she’s the particular woman who taught the 4th grade class that every man in America wished he were dead in. Hillary Clinton is Lucy holding the
football for Charlie Brown. Hillary Clinton is ‘America’s ex-wife.’”

“The real truth about children is they don’t speak the language very well. They’re physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong.”

“The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner’s manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million of the world’s most unruly, passionate and
energetic people safe, prosperous and free.”

“The weirder you are going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing
extraordinary about that person.”

“There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. Keep your hands to yourself, Bill. Hillary, mind your own business.”

“There is a fine line in the Third World between half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe and half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe
so they can throw you in jail.”

“There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as caring and sensitive because he wants to expand the
government’s charitable programs is merely saying that he is willing to do good with other people’s money. Well, who isn’t? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling
us that he will do good with his own money — if a gun is held to his head.”

“Traffic was like a bad dog. It wasn’t important to look both ways when crossing the street; it was important to not show fear.”

“War will exist as long as there’s a food chain.”

“What’s That Smell?”

“When Adam Smith was being incomprehensible, he didn’t have the luxury of brief, snappy technical terms as a shorthand for incoherence.”

“Wherever there’s injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it’s happening.”

“With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn’t think possible in today’s world. They have created a land of make-believe that’s worse than regular life.”

“You can’t get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That’s all you need to know about communism.”

“You can’t shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity. And forget traditional character assassination; if you say a modern
celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you’ve read his autobiography.”

“You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”

“Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.”