45 Great Bo Burnham Quotes

45 Great Bo Burnham Quotes

by / Comments Off / 1093 View / Jan 5, 2015

Bo Burnham is a comedian and songwriter from Hamilton, Massachusetts. His comedy style focuses on satirical songs and political humor. He reached fame after his self made videos of himself on Youtube took off and earned over 100 million views. Comedy Central picked him up and released his first comedy album Bo Fo Sho in 2008. He then began doing full length specials and touring the world. He also plays multiple instruments including the piano and ukulele.

“And my friend is black, but I don’t know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.”

“And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.”

“Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.”

“Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke… tumors.”

“For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn’t make sense. That’s not fair, the man’s only left with 30.”

“For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.”

“How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I’ve got a cousin who is 18… Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.”

“Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, “Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?” Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really
good point, they should… fix that. It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me!”

“I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.”

“I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I… don’t.”

“I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a f–king creep.”

“I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.”

“I masturbate ’cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to f–k me.”

“I stopped and I thought, “What would Jesus do?” So I didn’t exist.”

“I think that God might think I’m gay… what does he know anyway?”

“I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her f–king diary.”

“I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.”

“If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.”

“If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?”

“I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.”

“I’ve always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.”

“I’ve been doin’ drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, y’know, besides medicine.”

“My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.”

“My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin’ bitch all the time.”

“My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare’s willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.”

“My whole family thinks I’m gay, I guess it’s always been that way. Maybe it’s ’cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like… boys.”

“Old peoples’ skin sags because it’s being pulled toward the underworld.”

“People do complain about the way I act on stage… They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.”

“People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.”

“Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f–king sense make.”

“Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?”

“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”

“Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.”

“They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know… dead.”

“Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.”

“Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it’s really fun to do and Oprah’s on it.”

“Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.”

“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

“What’s a bag of chips divided by five, that’s a Nike worker’s meal.”

“When life gets you down, make a comforter.”

“When life give you lemons… you probably just found lemons.”

“Where are all the sour patch parents?”

“Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.”

“YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.”