45 Best PG Wodehouse Quotes

45 Best PG Wodehouse Quotes

by / Comments Off / 184 View / Dec 2, 2014

P.G. Wodehouse was a humorist and author of short stories, poems, songs, and plays. His long lasting career gave him immense success for over 70 years, and after his death in 1975 his works where still very widely read. In his lifetime he wrote lyrics for over 250 songs, 15 plays, and countless short stories.

“A man’s subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.”

“And she’s got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.”

“As a sleuth you are poor. You couldn’t detect a bass-drum in a telephone-booth.’”

“At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.”

“Besides, isn’t there something in the book of rules about a man may not marry his cousin? Or am I thinking of grandmothers?”

“Even at normal times Aunt Dahlia’s map tended a little towards the crushed strawberry. But never had I seen it take on so pronounced a richness as now. She looked like a tomato struggling
for self-expression.”

“Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or fattening.”

“For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: It might have been!”

“Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.”

“He committed mayhem upon his person. He did everything to him that a man can do who is hampered with boxing gloves.”

“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”

“He trusted neither of them as far as he could spit, and he was a poor spitter, lacking both distance and control.”

“He vanished abruptly, like an eel going into mud.”

“Hell, it is well known, has no fury like a woman who wants her tea and can’t get it.”

“His whole aspect was that of a man who has unexpectedly been struck by lightning.”

“Honoria, you see, is one of those robust, dynamic girls with the muscles of a welterweight and a laugh like a squadron of cavalry charging over a tin bridge. A beastly thing to face over the breakfast table. Brainy, moreover.”

“I always advise people never to give advice.”

“I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.”

“I consider that of all the dashed silly, drivelling ideas I ever heard in my puff this is the most blithering and futile. It won’t work. Not a chance.”

“I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.”

“I mean, if you’re asking a fellow to come out of a room so that you can dismember him with a carving knife, it’s absurd to tack a ‘sir’ on to every sentence. The two things don’t go

“I shuddered from stem to stern, as stout barks do when buffeted by the waves.”

“I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.”

“I wouldn’t have said off-hand that I had a subconscious mind, but I suppose I must without knowing it, and no doubt it was there, sweating away diligently at the old stand, all the while the corporeal Wooster was getting his eight hours.”

“If he had a mind, there was something on it.”

“It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.”

“It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.”

“Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.”

“Mere abuse is no criticism.”

“Oh, yes, he thinks a lot of you. I remember his very words. ‘Mr Wooster, miss’ he said ‘is, perhaps, mentally somewhat negligible but he has a heart of gold’”

“Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.”

“Routine is the death to heroism.”

“She cried in a voice that hit me between the eyebrows and went out at the back of my head.”

“She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say “when”.

“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”

“The female in question was a sloppy pest.”

“The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say “When!”

“There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.”

“There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.”

“This done, he felt a little—not much, but a little—better. Before, he would have gladly murdered Beach and James and danced on their graves. Now, he would have been satisfied with straight

“To find a man’s true character, play golf with him. ”

“Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the boxing-glove.”

“Warm-hearted! I should think he has to wear asbestos vests!”

“When I was a child, I used to think that rabbits were gnomes, and that if I held my breath and stayed quite still, I should see the fairy queen.”. Indicating with a reserved gesture that
this was just the sort of loony thing I should have expected her to think as a child, I returned to the point.”

“You can’t be a successful Dictator and design women’s underclothing.”