45 Best Bill Hicks Quotes

45 Best Bill Hicks Quotes

by / Comments Off / 257 View / Dec 15, 2014

William “Bill” Hicks was a stand up comedian, satirist, and musician from Georgia. His main focus during his comedy routines are social issues and religion. He began comedy at the young age of 16 in Houston, Texas at the Comedy Workshop. He died on February 26, 1994 at the age of 32.

“A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a f–king cross? It’s like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.”

“All governments are lying cocksuckers.”

“Another thing. This idea of “I’m offended”. Well I’ve got news for you. I’m offended by a lot of things too. Where do I send my list? Life is offensive. You know what I mean? Just get in
touch with your outer adult. And grow up. And move on. Reasonable people don’t write letters because… A: They have lives and B, they understand it’s just TV. C: If they see something they
don’t like, something they do like might be on later. I’ve seen many comics I’ve hated. I’ve seen many shows that have offended me. I’ve never written a letter. I just go about my life.”

“Anybody can be a bum; all it takes is the right girl, the right bar and the right friends, and you are well… your buddies will see you off. They’ll christen your dumpster for you.”

“Courtroom for Ted Bundy’s trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-f–king-proposals…and the first thought that enters my mind is, “And I’m not
getting laid.” What am I doing wrong?”

“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this,
shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their f–king skulls together and congratulate you on living in
the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”

“Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I’ve been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I’m
kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly
think of yourselves.”

“How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? …Seventy percent. What the f–k? Where did
they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?”

“I am available for children’s parties, by the way.”

“I deal only in facts, that’s why I’m a cocky f–kin’ bastard.”

“I don’t know what you all believe, and I don’t really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus
comes back, he ever wants to see a f–king cross?”

“I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.”

“I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin’ [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] ‘good evening everybody,
remember me, smoking’s bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I’ve seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you’re smoking out
of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I’d think about quitting. And that’s just me, ya know.”

“I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, “What’s wrong?” Nothing. “Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.” Yeah, you know it takes more energy to
point that out than it does to leave me alone?”

“I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.”

“I loved when Bush came out and said, “We are losing the war against drugs.” You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.”

“I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.”

“I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said ‘dirt for sale’…what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look
around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn’t he? It’s a big world for this gentleman. ‘Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin’ waffles and come here baby. I’m gunna
sell dirt! Look it’s everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!’ The place was called Land Land.”

“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f–kin’ mouth.”

“I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, “Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.” This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don’t
think a Marlboro Light’s gonna faze him that much.”

“I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling
our children that a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now … I wonder why we’re f–ked up as a race. I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word “bunny” or “chocolate”
anywhere in the f–king book.”

“I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away.
“I’m like, “Duuude, you’re my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it’s great.” He goes, “What? I’m 28.”

“I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.”

“If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”

“I’ll smoke, I’ll cough, I’ll get the tumors, I’ll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]”

“I’m tired of this back-slapping “Isn’t humanity neat?” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes, okay? That’s all we are.”

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.”

“I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately. I’ve been doubting my own

“Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let’s put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.”

“Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them … are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.”

“One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad’s car. He has one of those talking cars, we’re tripping, and the car goes, “The door is ajar.” We pulled over and
thought about that for 12 hours. “How can a door be a jar?” … “Why would they put a jar on a car?” … “Oh man, the freeway’s melting!” … “Put it in the jar.”

“People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy
the planet Earth. Little to the left.”

“People suck, and that’s my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a f–king Etch-a-sketch, I’ll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I’ll show
my work, case closed. I’m tired of this back-slapping “Aren’t humanity neat?” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes, okay? That’s all we are.”

“See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you’ve chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that f–king bubble and send you hurtling back to reality –
because you’re dead too. And you know what doctors say: “Shit, if only you’d smoked, we’d have the technology to help you. It’s you people dying from nothing who are screwed.” I got lots of
stuff waiting for me: oxygen tent, iron lung, electronic voice box; it’s like going to Sharper Image when I die.”

“Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.”

“That’s what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: “Here’s your brain, here’s your brain on drugs”, “Just Say No”, “Why do you think they call it dope?” … And
then the next commercial is [singing] “This Bud’s for yooouuuu.” C’mon, everybody, let’s be hypocritical bastards. It’s okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed
drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.”

“The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.”

“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty f–king cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”

“They tell us “Rock’n'roll is the devil’s music.” Well, let’s say we know that rock is the devil’s music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he f–kin’ jams! If it’s a choice
between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the f–kin’ Block … I’m gonna be surfin’ on the lake of fire, rockin’ out.”

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.”

“Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They’re sick, they’re not criminals. Sick people don’t get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.”

“Yeah, good to be here. I haven’t been here in two years…[no applause]…thanks. It’s that warmth I’ve missed in Austin. [Adding extra Southern drawl] So, we been here, ain’t our fault you
gotta travel around, shit. We supposed to follow you around? You supposed to be back here. What are you doin’, where are you?”

“You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God
created me in one day” Yeah, looks like He rushed it.”

“You know it’s true that politics does make for strange bedfellows. I read a quote from Saddam Hussein two days after the [Clinton] election, we had to wait two days for him to quit gut
laughing. “Aaaahahahahaha, the elephant is dead,” Saddam Hussein says in his quote, “we have nothing against America, we just want to see George Bush beheaded and his head kicked down the
road like a soccerball.” And I thought: that’s so weird, ’cause … that’s what I wanted to see! Wow, me and Hussein, we’re like this! Who would’a thunk it?!”

“You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” “How do
you know that?” “Uh, well … we looked at the receipts. But as soon as that check clears, we’re goin’ in. What time’s the bank open? Eight? We’re going in at nine. We’re going in for God and
country and democracy and here’s a fetus and he’s a Hitler. Whatever you f–king need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!”