42 Greatest WC Fields Quotes

42 Greatest WC Fields Quotes

by / Comments Off / 68 View / Dec 2, 2014

William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W.C. Fields, was a juggler, comedian, actor, and writer from the early 1900′s. He was born in 1880 in Pennsylvania and gained fame as a silent juggler. He slowly added comedy into his juggling routine and was a featured guest in the Ziegfield Follies. He died on Christmas Day of 1946 at the age of 66.

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

“Anything worth having is worth cheating for.”

“Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:”

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”

“Bloom, damn you! Bloom!”

“Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive–right, left, and in the middle.”

“By god, I was born lonely!”

“Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.”

“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”

“I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.”

“I can do anything I want to do!”

“I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.”

“I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives…But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.”

“I could only teach him how to juggle his books.”

“I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.”

“I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.”

“I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”

“I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.”

“I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.”

“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”

“I’d rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.”

“In the ten years since I had run away from home…I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.”

“It’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.’s begin.”

“It’s what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.”

“I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“No, it just seems longer.”

“Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.”

“Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.”

“Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?”

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch…”

“Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”

“Speakin’ of the city, it ain’t no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar.”

“The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.”

“They never got me for the right offense.”

“Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife unless she’s a beauty.”

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.”

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.”

“To the question: Do married people live longer?–Fields responded:”

“WC: He’d think I was a sissy.”

“What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.”

“Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.”