39 Most Famous Eddie Izzard Quotes

39 Most Famous Eddie Izzard Quotes

by / Comments Off / 1525 View / Dec 23, 2014

Eddie Izzard is a stand up comedian, writer, and actor from the Colony of Aden. Along with comedy he has broken into the television and film world, with roles in shows like The Riches, Mystery Men, The Cat’s Meow, and Across the Universe. His style is dubbed with surreal humor, improve, and observational humor.

“Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She’s a … she’s just a … she’s dead, isn’t she?”

“And the National Rifle Association says that, “Guns don’t kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, “Bang!”
“That’s not going to kill too many people, is it? You’d have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…”

“And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want
to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the
entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”

“And we’re going, “Oh, Captain Clever! Whoa-ho-ho! Rattle it, and if it doesn’t go off, it can’t be a bomb!”

“Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.”

“Beekeepers, yes … they’ve gotta want to be – “I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don’t wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom … I want bees on
elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps.” And their footsteps were
like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] “I’m covered in bees!”

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.”

“Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They’re just pretty people singing music written by others.”

“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal. ”

“Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called “Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You”

“Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I’m a f–kin’ squirrel!”

“ello, Sue. I’ve got legs. Do you like bread? I’ve got a French loaf. Bye! I love you.”

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”

“I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.”

“I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die.”

“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in beeees!”

“I mean, sometimes… a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don’t deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they
get that mixed up sometimes, or don’t even notice that that’s the thing.”

“I wanna live ’til I die, no more, no less.”

“If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, then you’ve never been on acid.”

“I’m an Action Transvestite ”

“I’m an action transvestite really, so it’s running, jumping, climbing trees… putting on make-up when you’re up there!”

“MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.”

“Makeup’s just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.”

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”

“No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying “Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?” “Yes, I would like tea. Why don’t you put it on my breasts?” “Certainly. Tea for
this man’s breasts! Anything else, sir?”

“Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you’re just noticing members of the sex: “Girls girls, ooo”. Naturally you want to look your best, and God says “No! You will look the worst
you’ve ever looked in your life!”

“Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, “Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I’ll go outside and have a cigarette.”

“Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they’re two words which are both… different. In spelling.”

“Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”

“So … uh … I’d better explain the tits. Um … didn’t have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.”

“So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them – France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for
f–k all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.”

“So I’ve learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you’re very religious, then it’s not 4500 million years old, it’s 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.”

“So my choice is ‘Or Death?’.”

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”

“They tend to come out a colour called ‘Pants left in wash’”

“Twang him into a tree!”

“What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?”

“You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for…”