38 Greatest Phyllis Diller Quotes

38 Greatest Phyllis Diller Quotes

by / Comments Off / 72 View / Dec 29, 2014

Phyllis Diller was an actress, singer, voice artist, and comedian from Lima, Ohio. She gained fame with her wild style, cackling laugh, and outrageous stage persona. Her voice acting career includes roles in Family Guy, Jimmy Neutron, and A Bug’s Life. She died on August 20, 2012 at the age of 95.

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.”

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”

“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”

“I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!”

“I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

“I’m the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.”

“It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”

“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”

“Our vet told us that because of my cooking our cat has only two lives left.”

“Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring

“The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.”

“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”

“There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

“They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!”

“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle–keep away from children.”

“We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age / as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

“You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”