38 Great Garrison Keillor Quotes

38 Great Garrison Keillor Quotes

by / Comments Off / 136 View / Dec 3, 2014

Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality from Minnesota. He is most famously known as the host for the radio show A Prairie Home Companion, which also airs in United Kingdom, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand. His style of humor comes from real life story telling which makes him extremely relatable to his audience.

“A book is a gift you can open again and again.”

“A compassionate conservative is someone who electrocutes juveniles but lets them have a last ‘make a wish’.”

“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table – There’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about it.”

“A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.”

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

“A man can’t eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul.”

“A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it’s time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.”

“A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.”

“Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.”

“Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.”

“Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either.”

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”

“God writes a lot of comedy, Donna; the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.”

“Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it.”

“I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.”

“I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.”

“I think the most un-American thing you can say is, ‘You can’t say that.’”

“I want to resume the life of a shy person.”

“I’m not busy, … A woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn’t think my schedule looked so busy.”

“It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn’t hear the barbarians coming.”

“It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.”

“Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we’ve gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.”

“Mark Twain told jokes, but they somehow stayed funny for a hundred years; they’re still funny today. When Mark Twain said, ‘He was a good man in the worst sense of the word,’ we know
exactly what he’s talking about. When he said ‘Wagner’s music is not as bad as it sounds,’ it still is funny. Mark Twain was really a miracle.”

“Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.”

“Nothing you do for a child is ever wasted.”

“People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.”

“Possessing the ideal makes a person nervous: you sense the inevitable decline just ahead.”

“Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the
simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus.”

“Silence on the radio… I don’t know how that works.”

“Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.”

“Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. ”

“That’s the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”

“The funniest line in English is “Get it?” When you say that, everyone chortles.”

“The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.”

“There is almost no marital problem that can’t be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.”

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”

“Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.”

“When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.”