37 Great Demetri Martin Quotes

37 Great Demetri Martin Quotes

by / Comments Off / 351 View / Dec 11, 2014

Demetri Martin is a actor, comedian, and musician from New York City. His unique comedic skills gained him a spot working as a writer on The Daily Show. While working with Comedy Central his on screen talents where quickly noticed and they gave him his own show, Important Things With Demetri Martin. His comedy involves a mixture of song and art and is his most defining quality.

“A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. ”

“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says, “Hey, let’s never hang out.”

“A quick way to start a conversation is to say, “What’s your favorite color?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say, “What’s your favorite color….person?”

“Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.”

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. ”

“Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.”

“Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.”

“I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

“I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.”

“I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.”

“I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.”

“I keep a lighter in my back pocket at all times. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”

“I need to develop some patience — immediately.”

“I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.”

“I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.”

“I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.”

“I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.”

“I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies.”

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

“I was in a card store and there were these cards that said, “Get well soon.” Fuck that. Get well NOW.”

“I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.”

“I wonder what the word “dots” look like in braille.”

“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. The paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote, “Jesus” on it.”

“I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. I’d call it, “Really Busy Hospital”

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged I’d probably just start calling out letters. ”

“If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.”

“If you have a pear shaped body you should not wear pear colored clothes…or act juicy. ”

“If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.”

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.”

“Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.”

“Some jokes are short and elegant. Like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown. ”

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.”

“The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)”

“The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.”

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ”

“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.”

“You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.”