36 Incredible Aziz Ansari Quotes

36 Incredible Aziz Ansari Quotes

by / Comments Off / 155 View / Dec 23, 2014

Aziz Ansari is a comedian and actor from South Carolina. He is most famous for his role in the popular show Parks and Recreation. He began his career doing stand up in New York City while in college at NYU and then broke into the acting world with roles in major motion pictures such as 30 Minutes or Less. He continues to act on television and in movies as well as perform stand up.

“A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.”

“Aren’t you scared your kid’s getting kidnapped…RIGHT NOW?”

“At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.”

“Black dudes are blown away by magic tricks. Stereotypes are fucked up…but that one’s on point.”

“Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.”

“Come on, man, I got a full beard!”

“Dress code: Black tie optional. Just like life.”

“Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.”

“For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.”

“I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.”

“I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”

“I have no interest in art. Let me clarify – I have no interest in non-nude images.”

“I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba — little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!”

“I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.”

“I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.”

“I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.”

“I’m kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.”

“I’m like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.”

“It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.”

“Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.”

“My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There’s candles in the car. You go ‘Is that dangerous?” and I go, Yes… but I like danger. We go to your favorite
restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, “Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren’t you upset?” I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I
knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.”

“No one’s trying to get with jugglers.”

“No, I don’t text her, ‘It was nice meeting you.’ I wait eight weeks and I text her, ‘What’s crackin?’”

“Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”

“One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.”

“She’s never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That’s a huge Oh-No-No! She also doesn’t care about Blu-ray?!”

“Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”

“The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the “business of rejection”.

“Well, MTV isn’t really my cup of tea… mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.”

“What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!”

“When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.”

“When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don’t
even know who Ginuwine is.”

“Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.”

“Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us

“You don’t know Jay-Z’s scedule. He’s a renaissance man. ”

“Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.”