35 Greatest Sarah Silverman Quotes

35 Greatest Sarah Silverman Quotes

by / Comments Off / 1198 View / Dec 4, 2014

Sarah Silverman is a stand up comedian from New Hampshire. She focuses her comedy on social taboos such as racism, religion, and sexism. Along with stand up Sarah also writes, produces, and acts. In 2010 she released her autobiography The Bedwetter.

“A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis. And I thought, “Oh my God — I’m turning into my mother!”

“And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I’d quit school he’d pay my rent for the next
three years, as if I were in school.”

“Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I’m one of the few people that believe it was the blacks.”

“I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive — it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you’re a black

“I don’t believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus’ words have become so perverted
over time — it’s been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin’ kill himself.”

“I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin.”

“I don’t set out to offend or shock, but I also don’t do anything to avoid it.”

“I got jury duty … and I didn’t want to go, so my friend said, “You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put ‘I hate chinks’.” And I
said, “I’m not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don’t want people to think that about me.” So instead I wrote, “I love chinks.” And who doesn’t?”

“I have no religion, but I can’t escape being extremely Jewish ethnically – that is, culturally. In other words, I’m not religious, but I worry and I’m neurotic. And I’m very good with

“I have very vivid dreams – almost always action-adventure. I’m often on the run. I’ve always had dreams. When I was little, I’d go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists
like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies – just drifting off to the movies.”

“I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?”

“I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it’s hard to find someone who doesn’t ultimately start judging you and your

“I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.”

“I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it’s hard to find someone who doesn’t ultimately start judging you and your choices.”

“I remember when I got a part on ‘Seinfeld’ it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited.”

“I saw my father’s penis once. But it was okay, because I was soooo young … and sooo drunk.”

“I think I’ve been called edgy – but in all honesty, there is a safety in what I do because I’m always the idiot. Unless you’re just listening to buzz words and not taking into account the
context of the situation, you see I’m always the ignoramus.”

“I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.”

“I want to get an abortion. But my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”

“I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians’ albums and watching them on TV, on ‘The Tonight
Show’ and Letterman.”

“I’m a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I’m ritualistic.
Jewishness is very ritualistic.”

“My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It’s all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.”

“On the law that requires women to wait twenty-four hours before they are permitted to have an abortion: I think it’s a good law. The other day I wanted to go get an abortion. I really
wanted an abortion, but then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty.”

“People are always introducing me as “Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne.” I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I’m white!”

“People who call themselves divas…you are not a diva. I’m pretty sure you’re a cunt.”

“Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.”

“Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn’t. It focuses on facts.”

“The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn’t have happened to Jews.”

“They’ve got great parents; I’m just trying to be the fun uncle.”

“This song brings me back … I was brutally raped to this song.”

“Traditionally, I have no right to talk about race. I’m white; I didn’t grow up in an all-black neighborhood. But the license I see for myself is I’m a member of the world.”

“When God gives you AIDS — and God does give you AIDS — make lemon-AIDS!”

“When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of ‘Star Trek: Voyager,’ and I hired an acting coach.”

“You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you’re instructed to make people laugh and please them, you’re too resentful to do it.”