35 Famous Sam Kinison Quotes

35 Famous Sam Kinison Quotes

by / Comments Off / 3242 View / Nov 18, 2014

Sam Kinison, born in 1953, was a preacher turned comedian and actor. His acts where trademarked with ear splitting screams and criticism for the Christian Religion. After a rather successful comedy career he moved to Los Angeles and made a film debut in the movie Back To School. He died sadly in a car accident in 1992.

“AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.”

“Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that’s supposed to be wrong, everything that’s forbidden.”

“Everything can be satirized.”

“Folks, I’ve been straight for seventeen days… Not all in a row.”

“Here’s my man! It doesn’t have to stay out and party with his guys!” “Here, let me see that…It doesn’t seem to be able to pick up the fucking check, does it?”

“I called a detox center – just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don’t have a problem yet.”

“I didn’t think it was that big of a fucking deal, there’s bigger news stories happening.”

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

“I have lived a carnal life.”

“I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who’s the smart-ass?”

“I started saying things in church that didn’t meet with a lot of approval. Like ‘Jesus isn’t coming back’. They started throwing bibles.”

“I think its interesting that two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all; and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you’re being fucked every day of your life? Those drugs are against the law.”

“I’d rather entertain people than offend them.”

“If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.”

“If I’ve learned one thing, it’s ‘don’t tell the truth.’ Lies keep you together.”

“If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”

“In the 1990s, it’s OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It’s acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke… about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.”

“It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.”

“Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn’t scare the F— out of everybody!”

“Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going ‘Where did I say build a water slide?”

“Jim Bakker. He’s lost everything, he’s ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!”

“John Goodman isn’t fat. He’s in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.”

“Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it’s an easy diagram to remember, it’s like “aaaaa…. beeeee…. ceeee.”

“My view of life is; If you’re going to miss heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!”

“Rage only works if it is justified. That’s the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.”

“Real comedy doesn’t just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.”

“Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It’s like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.”

“So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn’t want to drive there.”

“That’s when you know you’re pretty f—ed up, when it makes sense to fall asleep… I was driving between Needles and Barstow… It’s about 120 miles of desert… It’s four in the morning, man… Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep … (SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY) So I totaled this f—in’ car out, man!… I f—in’ totaled it! And it made SENSE at the time!”

“The Russians haven’t been to the moon. You know why? Because they’re space pussies… You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!”

“There’s always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, “It’s a shame that he has to die.” And Jesus is saying, “Well, maybe I wouldn’t have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!”

“There’s no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.”

“Today we’re going to try and say his name…OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name–OH! OHHH!”

“Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.”

“When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who’s the target. Comedy attacks, man.”