35 Famous Erma Bombeck Quotes

35 Famous Erma Bombeck Quotes

by / Comments Off / 132 View / Nov 24, 2014

Erma Bombeck was a humorist and author from Bellbrook, Ohio. She gained popularity from her newspaper column about suburban home life in the 1960′s until the 1990′s. During her life she wrote and published 15 books, majority of which became best sellers, and over 4,500 newspaper columns. She died at the age of 69 in 1996.

“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.”

“All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”

“Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.”

“Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, “What light?” and two more to say, “I didn’t turn it on.”

“I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.”

“I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”

“I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.”

“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ”Checkout Time is 18 years.’”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?”

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

“I’m going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I’ll do it myself.”

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.”

“In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”

“I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.”

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“The grass is always greener over the septic tank.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

“There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”

“When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.”

“Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick.”