34 Best Dane Cook Quotes

34 Best Dane Cook Quotes

by / Comments Off / 1073 View / Dec 29, 2014

Dane Cook is a stand up comedian and actor from Cambridge, Massachusetts. He gained popularity with his outrageous comedy albums, Harmful If Swallowed and Vicious Circle. He later took off with his own HBO specials and sold out arena shows around the world. After he bored with comedy he delved into the world of film and starred i many feature films including Employee Of The Month and Good Luck Chuck.

“I don’t know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.”

“I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people – how they act and such.”

“I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.”

“I don’t have to do anything for anyone else’s benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.”

“I don’t laugh out loud at comics a lot.”

“I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I’m not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something’s bad.”

“I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.”

“I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.”

“I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the “Death Star.” I’m still working on it, it’s not completely operational.”

“I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.”

“I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.”

“I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, … I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he’s 50.”

“I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times ’cause they thought he was holding a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR!! How do you fuck
that up?! Unless he was eating it like “AHHHHHH!” *throws pear* “THAT’S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!”

“I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I’m a guy that has love of the game.”

“I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some

“I’m a late-night guy.”

“I’m always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.”

“I’m quitting the business today. I’m going to open up an appliance store, I’ve always really been into toasters. I’m giving it all up.”

“I’ve heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well
here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can’t have my baby, nobody can!!!”

“My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.”

“My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my
money. He’s in jail now.”

“My nickname for my mom was ‘The Compass.’”

“My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.”

“No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it’s the worst… when you think you’re drowning.”

“Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.”

“Now let’s fight for three days because I’m bored!”

“The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes “You were in the
Civil War.” And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I’m like “There’s James!” “Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-
tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad.”

“We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.”

“We’re all gonna lie, we’re all gonna cry, and we’re all gonna take painful shits.”

“When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.”

“When I’m looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don’t look to congressman or my mayor. I say, ‘What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?’”

“When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.”

“When something’s good, I’m not an over-celebrator.”

“Who doesn’t like movies? Who has ever said, “Hey, you wanna go see a movie?” “Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!”