34 Best Bill Burr Quotes

34 Best Bill Burr Quotes

by / Comments Off / 7597 View / Dec 10, 2014

Bill Burr is a stand up comedian and actor from Massachusetts. He has had many different comedy specials on stations such as Comedy Central and HBO. He also has voice over work under his belt, with his voice being the featured as the main character in Grand Theft Auto IV.

“A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That’s why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they’re nice, but their stories suck.”

“Black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me.”

“Dave Chappelle was great. He’s just the way he is in the wraparounds on the show. He’s a really laid back guy. Just doing five skits on his show gave me enough exposure where I was able to
move up a few notches, which was like night and day from where I was in this business. So I’m always thanking him.”

“Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”

“Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!”

“Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f–ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?”

“Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they’ve got because of their dick? Yet the
Discovery Channel has Shark Week every other f–king month. Why doesn’t it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.”

“His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.”

“I am so pro-swine flu it’s ridiculous.”

“I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f–king window, am I right?”

“I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.”

“I never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in. ”

“I thought roofing in the middle of July as a redhead, I thought that THAT was difficult. But these mothers are bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players… I don’t know how
they do it! Dude, any job that you can do in your pyjamas is not a difficult job, alright? You’re 35 years old playing hide and go seek… you’re living the dream! No time card, no taxes…
you’re off the f–king grid!”

“Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you’re gonna get f–ked up when you’re around a trolly.”

“Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.”

“Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, ‘Look, this guy’s going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I’m going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,’ I wouldn’t have a problem
with it.”

“Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.”

“Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.”

“Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.”

“Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.”

“Real racism is quiet. It’s subtle. People look around first. They make sure the coast is clear. There’s disclaimers, like, “Dude, you know I’m not racist, but, uh, these,’insert group
name,’ ‘followed by f–ked-up conversation,’ right?”

“Seriously, any other town you go to there’s this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. – You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and
a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker!

“Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay…’ Yeah, why wouldn’t you?!”

“Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f–k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.”

“There’s this critical point where you’ve stayed single for too long and your brain switches from ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t say that,’ to “Eh, f–k it, say it, see what happens.”

“We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her
thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it.”

“What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, f–k that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down
there, and I owe you money? Go f–k yourself.”

“When I go to church, I can’t get past the fact that I’m just listening to some f–kin’ guy. Do you ever think of that shit when you go in there? That’s just some dude. And people are like,
‘No! That’s a special guy.’ No it isn’t! It isn’t.”

“You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.”

“You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’”

“You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we’re both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have
to stay – that’s why I get the dollar more an hour.”

“You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.”

“Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.”

“You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t
scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards – just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and
not have a full on panic attack.”