33 Best Emo Philips Quotes

33 Best Emo Philips Quotes

by / Comments Off / 249 View / Nov 17, 2014

Emo Philips is a entertainer and comedian from Chicago. His uniquely delivered jokes cause him to have a highly successful comedy career. He performed in a high falsetto tone of voice, sounding like a child. He went on to win many awards and appear in feature films. He still performs around the world.

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“A Mormon told me that they don’t drink coffee. I said, “A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, it keeps you from being Mormon …”

“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: “A truck!”

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’”

“I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.”

“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.”

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”

“I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.”

“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”

“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And
I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”

“I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.”

“I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.”

“In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.”

“My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.”

“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.”

“People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.”

“People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.”

“People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”"

“People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.”

“Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day.”

“Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.”

“The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, “If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip… which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.”"

“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.”

“Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”

“Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

“You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.”