31 Incredible Jack Handey Quotes

31 Incredible Jack Handey Quotes

by / Comments Off / 1202 View / Jan 7, 2015

Jack Handey is a humorist from San Antonio, Texas. He is most famous for his collection of one liner jokes, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. He also has a few other popular collection style books including Fuzzy Memories, and My Big Thick Novel. He is currently 65 years old and continues to write his satirical humor.

“Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.”

“Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.”

“Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.”

“Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled
napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. ”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.”

“I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat”. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and
you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.”

“I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I’ll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.”

“I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They’re sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.”

“I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.”

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something
you did.”

“If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.”

“If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.”

“If you get invited to your first orgy, don’t just show up nude. That’s a common mistake. You have to let nudity ‘happen.’”

“If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, ‘Can’t you make it shoot farther?’ ‘No, I’m sorry. That’s as far as it
shoots.’ ”

“If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!”

“If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.”

“If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.”

“If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.”

“It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.”

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no,’ I said. ‘Disneyland
burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”

“Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.”

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.”

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”

“Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.”

“Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.”

“You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.”