30 Famous David Sedaris Quotes

30 Famous David Sedaris Quotes

by / Comments Off / 186 View / Jan 2, 2015

David Sedaris is a comedian, radio host, and author from New York. He is most famous for his collections of essays, the most popular being “SantaLand Diaries”. His collections, which he developed into books, have sold millions of copies all over the world. He currently lives in England with his life partner.

“Actually I liked that ‘Let the Right One In,’ that Swedish vampire movie.”

“After a few months in my parents’ basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of the these things
are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.”

“Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding
the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, “I’m going to ask you to come with me.”

“Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I’d do it more if I could get away with it.”

“Friends always say, “How can you eat those? I read in the paper that they’re made from hog’s lips.”

“God was someone I wound up turning over and over in my mind each night…. Was He punishing me with this meal or was He rewarding me? Did He actively watch me or take me for granted like a
fish you don’t notice until it’s floating on the surface of the tank?”

“I don’t write about sex because it’s not really my subject. I love it when other people write about it, but it’s not my subject, and I don’t want anyone I’ve had sex with to write about it.
“Plus, you’re in front of an audience, and they picture wherever you’re writing about. I’m 52; no one in the audience wants to picture that.”

“I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the ‘Harry Potter’ books.”

“I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”

“I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives.”

“I love things made out of animals. It’s just so funny to think of someone saying, ‘I need a letter opener. I guess I’ll have to kill a deer.”

“I sometimes read books on my iPad.”

“If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.”

“If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.”

“In books and movies infidelity always looks so compelling, so right. Here are people who defy petty convention and are rewarded with only the tastiest bits of human experience.”

“In my experience, a straight guy will shit anywhere.”

“In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.”

“In Paris you’re always surrounded by French people.”

“Maybe I’ll learn a trade. I’ve considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn’t do that on people.”

“My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there’s a short in the system and I break out over things I didn’t do, which only makes me look more suspect.”

“My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you’re likely to turn into one
of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.”

“On one tour, I was collecting stories about pet monkeys. You’d be surprised how many people have stories about monkeys. The problem is, most monkey stories end tragically.”

“Shit is the tofu of cursing.”

“The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it’s been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing. No credit is given for
distinguishing between these two very different emotions.”

“They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgeable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.”

“This woman wanted me to write ‘Explore your possibilities’ in her daughter’s book, but that’s just not anything I’d ever say. I told her I would keep the word ‘explore,’ and I wrote, ‘Let’s
explore diabetes with owls.”

“We can’t profess love without talking through hand puppets.”

“What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.”

“Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied.”

“You look back at things like being pinned by the neck. Even when I was hanging there, I thought, ‘I can write about this later.”