29 Incredible Tucker Max Quotes

29 Incredible Tucker Max Quotes

by / Comments Off / 754 View / Jan 12, 2015

Tucker Max is an author and public speaker from Atlanta, Georgia. His most popular books include Assholes Finish First and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, which was developed into a feature film. Most of his writings chronicle his drinking and sexual encounters.

“But she wouldn’t stop annoying me and complaining. I told her to shut up and go to sleep. She decided she didn’t want to. I laid her options out: comply or leave. She seemed to think there
were other options for her, even though I distinctly listed only two. So I solved that problem: I took all of her shit and threw it out in the hallway. Clothes, purse, shoes, everything.”

“EEK EEK EEK!! That’s dolphin for ‘I’m sorry.’ But you already knew that..”

“Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.”

“Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.”

“Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?”

“I am afraid of riding on motorcycles and angry Persian women holding knives, but when it comes to rejection, I’m fresh out of fucks to give.”

“I don’t know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, ‘Give me all of that.’”

“I gave her an unmistakable “I want to fuck you” look, she shot me back a quick “My spine hurts” face, and I was smitten.”

“I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60
yards to lavatory freedom.”

“I haven’t insulted you yet, have I?”

“I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn’t come to
rescue cunty lunatics.”

“I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”

“I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It’s perfect.”

“I was very thirsty. Laying in the bathtub, looking up at the faucet, I thought of a great idea. So I turned the nozzle on full blast, and put my mouth up to it. It was like drinking from a
firehose, but I was too drunk and dehydrated to notice that I was getting completely soaked, or that water was shooting out of my nose.”

“I’m Tucker Max. Nothing is ever my fault, not even the things I do wrong.”

“I’m fresh out of fucks to give.”

“I’m sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.”

“Ladies let me give you some advice: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as “deserving” respect; you get what you demand from people.”

“My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: “Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you
really exist?”

“She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.”

“The Academy should give Caitlin a fucking Oscar. She delivered her scripted lines perfectly, even improvising beautifully with the “Uncle Tucker” bit. And I should get an award for
choreography or something.”

“The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above “functionally retarded”.”

“There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.”

“There is a girl lying next to me on the bed, shaking me, saying something. She is not happy. She is also not skinny. Or attractive. She may not even be human.”

“Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.”

“This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.”

“Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.”


“You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”