29 Great Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

29 Great Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

by / Comments Off / 5957 View / Nov 21, 2014

Anthony Jeselnik is an American comedian, writer, producer, and actor. He started his career as a writer for the Jimmy Fallon Show, after this job he landed his own television series on Comedy Central, The Jeselnik Offensive. The show is currently still running and he resides in Los Angeles, California.

“Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.”

“Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase – the glasses, the hair in the face – and you knew immediately when they were doing it.”

“I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I’ve met her neighbor, he’s a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though…”

“I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.”

“I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.”

“I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny.”

“I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.”

“I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.”

“I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.’”

“I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.”

“I’m working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It’s good. But it is so fucking long.”

“I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”

“I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”

“I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.”

“I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.”

“Keep Austin Weird is a stupid slogan. The only thing weird about Austin is that nobody understands alcoholism. You guys should just change your slogan to “Austin: The Opposite of Rehab”.”

“Larry King is so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.”

“Look at this dais… you’ve got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer… and then eight white people.”

“My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.”

“My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person — so I can get a better girlfriend.”

“My girlfriend’s father wouldn’t let me sleep in the bed with her. He said: ‘Sorry buddy, I just don’t trust you.’ I said: ‘Trust me buddy, I’m fucking your daughter’.”

“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”

“The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.”

“Tom Cruise’s pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.”

“Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.”

“Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.”

“Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.”

“Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me.”

“You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”