27 Remarkable Daniel Tosh Quotes

27 Remarkable Daniel Tosh Quotes

by / Comments Off / 421 View / Dec 30, 2014

Daniel Tosh is a comedian and television host from West Germany. He is most famous for his outlandish stand up routines and his highly popular show, Tosh.0, on Comedy Central. Along with starring in Tosh.0 he is also the executive producer and writer of the show. He has also developed a second, animated series for Comedy Central called Brickleberry.

“Am I getting smart with you? … how would you know?”

“Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.”

“Babies aren’t dishwasher-safe.”

“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep.”

“By the way, everything I say is wrong; I’m a complete hypocrite. I’ve dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that’s gross. Get it fixed girls, you’re not
even a real woman.”

“Don’t you love it when people in school are like, “I’m a bad test taker”? You mean, you’re stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally
relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson’s.
“I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.”

“Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I’d be like, “Hey, so I guess I’ll see you later,” and he’s, like, “Whatever, queer”. That’s a hate

“Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about
two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.”

“I don’t think I could stab somebody, cause I’m really bad at a Capri Sun. ”

“I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.”

“I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I’m gonna be pissed.”

“I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5K. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check.”

“I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we
hate snakes. We think they’re slimy, even though we know they’re not.”

“I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.”

“I’m actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house… ”

“I’m all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake…We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I
don’t want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I’m happy, or at least I look like it.”

“It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true.”

“One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are
slimy, even though we know they’re not.”

“The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant’s publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for
millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn’t be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys,
they have the decency to say: ‘well come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.’”

“The floor is lava! That’s the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don’t get that. I don’t care, that’s okay. You
might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I’d tell my mom, “I want a Nintendo.” and she’d reply “The floor is lava!” “What’s wrong with our house? Why
can’t we afford better carpeting? It’s called two jobs, bitch!” That’s how I used to talk. I was very street.”

“The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?”

“The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn’t have iTunes.”

“You are a sick freak who should be beaten.”

“You ever hear girls say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply with “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!”

“You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!”

“You know your girlfriend is too young when she’ll do everything in bed but go upside down because it’s too scary.”

“You should never eat when you’re on the toilet. “But I’m lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!” That’s more of an almond milk cereal, but live
your dream.”