11 Great Brian Regan Quotes

11 Great Brian Regan Quotes

by / Comments Off / 690 View / Dec 15, 2014

Brian Regan is a stand up comedian from Miami, Florida. His comedy style is depicted through sarcasm and self depreciation. He regularly has specials on HBO and Comedy Central.

“Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. ”

“I don’t know. I’d be a lot better off if I would’ve studied more when I was growing up, you know?”

“I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It’s the first time I’d seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife’s like, “How’s Gary?” “I don’t know”
“I thought you went golfing with Gary today” “I did” “And you don’t know how he’s doing?” “It never came up.” “Is he dating anyone?” “I don’t know.” “Were you two in the same golf cart?”
“Yeah.” “You’re kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don’t know if he’s dating anyone?” “I know he’s got a new driver” “How is that possible that wouldn’t come
up?” “How is that possible it WOULD come up?” “The hundred and fifty marker’s there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?”

“I heard on the news once, and my uncle does this. The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow, where’s my check? That’d be great. “Hey, what do you do for a living?”
“Well, I don’t grow corn. Get up at the crank of noon, make sure there’s no corn growin’. You know we used to not grow tomatoes, but there’s more money in not growin’ corn.”

“I played softball recently. They call it softball, makes it sound like it’s harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? You don’t go “Hey, that’s Downy Soft.
“That was like a big ball of cotton! Hey, don’t worry about that! That’s Blood Light! We’re playing softball, we’re all going to float around like angels!”

“I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container. ”

“I was watchin’ the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He’s gonna be in jail for the rest of his life, for
espionage. So I’m sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, “It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution.” “Guess I can put this
down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!”

“Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It’s a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream,
and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.”

“So my eye doctor told me this. He said, “Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?” “No” “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought
you’d like to be self conscious for the rest of your life.”

“You know what’s fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 ‘Just Because’ cards. They can’t even ask you why you did it.”

“You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There’s 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is ‘film editor.’
“This poor guy, he’s got to watch all the footage that’s not exciting enough to make it into the final product. ”